Surviving the Treatment

There are a lot of days now when the cancer isn't the main thing, because the treatment is. Hard to explain how being in the midst of all the treatment for the thing means the cancer itself isn't the main thing, but surviving the treatment is. You put one step in front of another to get through the nausea or you sleep a lot, like me all day today. I'm not sure if I was asleep because I was very tired or because I was blocking out the thoughts that had started to creep in about cancer. It seems surreal that you can have cancer which feels like such an aggressive disease and it not infiltrate your every thought because the treatment is so vile in itself. 

It comes as no surprise to me that after treatment is the time when people think you should be euphoric but actually aren't, it hits home, you had the cancer and you have no idea if it will come back. Nobody knows. You can be hopeful, hoping it isn't you that has secondary cancer, but if it is you that's incurable and when they say it is treatable that is more of this. People aren't very happy to hear that I won't have more of this, but I don't think I would. Some people have chemo for years with small gaps in between. It doesn't feel much like life to me and sometimes I wonder about the extent of treatment people go through. That probably sounds like a depressing last note. I'm not depressed. It probably doesn't sound much like positive thinking but I'm a realist.