Connections

I opened my account on Twitter up (it was locked) to better engage with others with BC. It has been really helpful, I 'met' a cancer doctor who also has cancer. You don't hear everything the doctors tell you when they talk to you, it just doesn't get absorbed, and I can ask her questions later. There are others at various stages of treatment/recovery. Sometimes I am able to engage, sometimes not, but they all understand that because they've been there. 

What isn't so great are the random direct messages, surely meant to be kind, but from a stranger who has absolutely no idea what it this is like. To put this in context, this is a world where I have no control, it is constant bad news and difficult decisions. Later will be easier but I have three hospital appointments next week and all of them are scary. With people I know, I have said there are too many unknowns at the moment to talk about this, to give updates. It is painful to do so, which is why this is here. I'm not being a control freak I am just managing something unmanageable in a way that works for me. I know it is hard for people not to show they care, but I have been really touched by the way my colleagues at work have respected my wish not to talk about this at work. Work won't be there for long, but it is my little sanctuary of 'normal' in a world where not much is. 

I may or may not be strong, sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. I can tell you it isn't easy to manage my own stuff and other people's emotions, including my husband's. There is no rainbow at the end of this storm, except not dying of course. I will continue to enjoy life, I did indeed do that all day yesterday and most of the time other things are really positive. It isn't all bleak but it isn't a picnic. What it is, is having a frightening illness. It is not something that is going to go away, it's the start of scary surgery, toxic treatment, scans, tests and medication for a long time. Rainbows, positive thinking, and 'battling do not cure cancer. On days like today when I just feel like curling up into a ball and sobbing, am I failing if I do that and if I'm not brave or strong, do I just get to lose. Nobody can tell me I will be fine, so that I can keep smiling (I do anyway sometimes) because nobody knows. I won't really care if one of my friends says the wrong thing. Strangers need to be more careful, however well meant.