More Results?

Today I am going to find out the results of the traumatic biopsy. This will determine the type of surgery I have, mainly because the NHS can't just remove healthy tissue, so anyone thinking they'd just have a double mastectomy and be done with it all, you can't, not unless you have the Angelina Jolie gene thing going on. 

If the biopsy is clear there will be a removal of 2 cancer sites and a bit of a reshape. If the biopsy is cancer  it is mastectomy. The type of operation determines how long I need in theatre so if the former it is next week because they can fit me on the list, if not the week after. Goodness only knows what they do if the sample is indeterminate, I am having no more biopsies, this much I am sure of. I think medically the amount of blood last time might mean they think it is a bit of a bad idea too. The less invasive surgery means an MRI in 6 months and possibly more biopsies to see if further surgery is needed. The take it all option would be appealing if it were available, I don't want to go back for surgery. I am scared of it. I hate the hospital already, even though I know how brilliant they are and that what they can do is marvellous. Surgery + chemo + more surgery + more chemo + a bit of radiation = well it is a bit of a marathon isn't it. 

If a mastectomy, I was enthusiastically offered immediate reconstruction by my doctor at one appointment. She's done some research into reconstruction not being offered by hospitals and really not liking that for women, so this is clearly her thing. But then a nurse added a codicil last week, this seems to happen a lot; you can absolutely have a thing, but you need to know all these other things about it and we won't tell you the things about it at the same time we inspire you with confidence about being able to have the thing, definitely and definitively, no we will do that later. There's some learning here for how people need to be given difficult information; bite sized is fine, but maybe give me the related bites at the same time. Last week's nurse told me how a lot of people wait because implants can be affected by radiation and it does of course make sense that fragile tissue taken from elsewhere else might not respond well to being radiated. I just don't want to go back to hospital or have another surgery, although another surgery might be needed anyway, I can only plan for now. My doctor is on her holidays so hoping I can wait to see her when she gets back rather than having to make a decision today with someone I don't have a relationship with; I will need to walk about types of reconstruction (there are 3 I think) and their respective risks. I think I also get to see the plastic surgeon for that. 

It doesn't matter how much support there is around you, you are the one with cancer, and this isn't an event. If I was just going into hospital next week for surgery and then need time to recover, that would be one thing. But that isn't how it is. Even if I don't need anything else doing for me this time, I am going to be having surgery and then some toxic chemicals pumped into my body, probably be radiated, and then maybe next March this will all be over. For now. It will always be for now. I have areas of tissue in my other breast that could be problematic, they are just too small to look at yet, and the rate of secondary cancer is 1 in 3. In case you think this just isn't enough positive thinking, I should probably tell you that I don't write when I am in the depths of despair, I write when I feeling ok and this is just what it is. I got a message from someone this week, unsolicited, suggesting I plan lots of nice things. I don't really mind what anyone says to be honest, we are all human, and I'm sure I've done my share of doing and saying the wrong things at various times. You can be reassured that there are nice things in my life but you might be able to see from this blog that planning anything has been problematic, hospital appointments have got in the way and it isn't like that is going to stop any time soon. The only difference is going to be when I have a treatment plan, but then people still need to be admitted during chemo sometimes because it affects your immune system, so it is all so unpredictable. 

A very sensible friend who was treated for breast cancer 5 years ago was told by another friend that she was fine now wasn't she, she said that she is fine but there isn't a day goes past that she doesn't think about it. This isn't a one off, it isn't tied up with a pink ribbon, and it is life changing. I don't think I really knew that before and I write this because nobody else is in this with me. It's a way of keeping people up to date without having to manage anyone else's emotions at a time when I can just about take care of my own, and make a stab at my husband's. I am very very grateful for everyone's respect for that, very grateful for my colleagues at work who have all shown kindness in their own way, but who have let me do this the way I asked them to. All I can say is that I was right to trust my instincts about how to manage this because it is working for me. Once I know a bit more and I need some practical help, I will be calling on everyone, and my husband will need a lot of help with making me dinner (he has never cooked)!