All about the money

One of the nurses at the breast clinic told me that people make life-changing decisions after a diagnosis; they look at their life and think about what they are doing with it, and do something completely different. I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing and I just wanted normal. My normal included working and my work got to be a bit of a standing joke. I wasn’t quite sure what nurse type people meant when they said I had to put myself first now, it seemed it meant no work because they said someone else can worry about that now.

People knew what I did for a living and made some assumptions about that, mainly that I wasn’t being given the opportunity not to work. One of the nurses did eventually work out that it was psychologically important. Some people wondered how work things could matter when I have this cancer thing to put it into perspective but none of it stopped mattering. Besides which I couldn’t just sit around at home having cancer, thinking about having cancer, worrying about everything. There were days when I knew I was getting results and wouldn’t be able to do much because my head was a mess, but that was relatively easy to plan time off around. Other days I can honestly say I was reassured that my brain was working properly and I could still do everything I needed to. 

I am sure someone could come up with a whole load of reasons why work shouldn’t be as much of my identity as it is but I could tell you that having left school with 4 O’Levels, it was a long road to two degrees and a job that fits. I don’t for a second feel or think I am indispensible but being supported (as I was by a great manager) to hold onto a life pre cancer was critical. The other reason I wanted to carry on working was because I don’t get paid for very much sick leave, they are separate reasons, because I would never compromise my health. 

I don’t know how many people could take a year off work without assessing their financial commitments. Some people are lucky and are paid for all the time they have off. Along with losing my identity, I was going to lose my income, and worrying about money is stressful. It wasn’t long after I was diagnosed that we sat down with a spreadsheet and made sure we didn’t need to sell the house. There wouldn’t be much left over, but we could cover the ‘priority’ bills. Deborah Orr has written a lot about her breast cancer and said:

“I was able to be reasonably positive, not only because I knew I had a pretty good chance of survival, but also because my life was pretty stable anyway. I didn’t have to worry about who would look after my children while I was ill, or who would care for me after my surgery, how I would manage on statutory sick pay if I took time off from insecure work for an unsympathetic employer, or whether I had friends I could rely on to see me through. I had all of those things and they made it much, much easier for me to be ill.”

I got a letter on Tuesday; the same day oncology ambushed me, to say that I’d used up my month of full pay recovering from surgery. There is ½ pay for 2 months and I’m entitled to 28 weeks of SSP which is about £88 pw. The 28 weeks are included in those previous weeks off sick, so about 16 weeks SSP on its own. Then I have to apply for ESA although I won’t get that unless I am entitled to contributions based ESA. I fall through the gap that is having a partner/husband with a reasonable income, which is fair enough, but practically speaking we built a life based on both of us working because we do. I am sure there are some people who are much more financially savvy than me and then there are people like me who think we are ok to allow another 5 years to pay stuff off at 50. It isn’t terrible irresponsible debt, it is life. Ok, some of it is shoes.

Macmillan have done some research about the financial impact of cancer and most people are affected, some because they have to manage loss of income, but also because their costs increase. It’s an expensive business having cancer. I plan to work through chemotherapy, at home, and when I can, if I can. I might not be able to but that would at least be some income. I'm grateful that adjustments can be made and there will be work I can do if not debilitated by treatment. That isn't true for everyone. I'm grateful I don't have to worry about a roof over my head and I am grateful we don't have to sell the house, because we've made it a nice home, and if I'm going to be sick anywhere I'd like it to be here. But I might not be able to do anything, and whilst we all know that anything can happen at any time, it is stressful to have cancer and no money. The treatment and it's psychological impact are quite enough for someone to tolerate.