Post Op

The day after surgery I woke up to beautiful sunshine and fresh air, my bed was in a window bay. The surgery went according to plan and I was looked after really well the whole time I was in hospital. I was asleep virtually all the time post op, anaesthetics don't agree with me, and I was sore. But apart from that I was glad the surgery was over and happy about that bit. I let everyone know I'd been in and out and was fine, people worry when you are in theatre, I worried about being in theatre. In fact the bit where I was actually taken down to theatre was huge and scary and I needed tissues, but then the anaesthetist started to get to work and you get that nice woozy feeling before knowing nothing.  I had good company on the ward and I suspect the 80 year old lady I met is up and about in her smart clothes today whereas I have been languishing in bed and pyjamas! 

Surgery is quite brutal on your mind and body, even if it is a good thing. I am a decidedly different shape now, I haven't looked a lot yet, baby steps. They can make me symmetrical later. I am scarred, bloodied and bruised. I also know I may need more surgery, depending on what the pathology says, and chemo probably before that. I get results and the treatment plan in 3 weeks time. Hopefully this is all something to be fixed, one way or another, and it will be a blip in time, but there is also room to prepare for the psychological impact without being miserable. Even my most upbeat friend (and I am much more melancholic) thinks about her breast cancer every day. 

I am very very lucky to have lovely friends around me, they support, love and help me, and I know they are going to let me be any which way I am. The people who are telling me to think positive thoughts and plan nice things to cheer myself up, they need to stop. I'm not particularly miserable or negative about this, but it is pants, and it is going to be months of tough treatment. I can hope for a positive outcome, and the outcomes for for cancer treatment are much better than they used to be. Not dying is good, but the treatments are toxic, and nothing about this is fine.