Pre Results Anxiety

The days following the op were a bit dispiriting, I was mainly sore and tired, and felt like this was the easy bit so I was falling at the first hurdle. It is after all fairly minor surface surgery and the rest of the road is likely to be tougher. Yesterday was probably the first day when I was up and about all day, though some of that was spent lying about in the garden! I've had some visitors and that's been lovely, it's been nice to eat outside and chat then rest. 

Most people do want me to think positive and that everything will be fine. I'm not wafting around miserably I hasten to add but I don't think there is anything positive about cancer or the treatment, except not dying. The pink brigade have done a good job, I think, of whitewashing the reality of breast cancer. Somehow that pink world makes it feel very treatable, and there have been huge advances of course, 70% is a great survival rate. What isn't so great is the survival rate from secondary cancer which 30% of those with breast cancer will get, this is breast cancer in different parts of the body, it goes on the move. Of course you hope the chemo is what will zap that opportunism but there is no cure for secondary breast cancers and most people survive about 2 years. Hopefully everything will be fine but that is the guillotine hanging over the head of every woman who's had a breast cancer diagnosis. 

I'm not sleeping now because I've started to feel anxious about the post results and the treatment plan. There is the chance of more surgery, to remove lymph nodes or a mastectomy depending on the pathology. There is the likelihood of chemo therapy and then there might be some radiation. I feel maimed in the aftermath of surgery, and the next phase of treatment is likely to change my appearance, it's all a brutal blow to one's identity. I'm not entirely sure how anyone can feel positive about any of that, except not dying. Of course it would really help if I could stop worrying about money, my income drops to benefit levels in about a week, but more of that another day. Meantime I prepare for the worst whilst hoping for a chance at the best.