Thinking Positively or Not

I know I've been here before in other posts, but the pressure to stay positive increases, apparently I have to do it. Being told I have to do anything is a bit of a pain, after all if I can't am I failing something. If it was you that said it, don't worry (most people have after all) it was what you thought and it might be what you would do. This is just what I think.  

I am very positive about everything in my life, my friends, my job, my home, my husband - not in any particular order. I am not positive about ANYTHING to do with cancer. The treatment is vile, the surgery leaves you maimed, and my whole world has been trashed. I'm not unique, and lots of people have something, but this is my thing. I am losing things that matter to me. The job I love with the team I love, I can't do that any more. The money I earn doing the job I love, I don't have that any more. My hair and my eyebrows, soon I won't have them any more. The toxicity of chemotherapy, that's around the corner, along with the reduction in my immune system that'll be shrinking my world. Oh I could probably think of others, the point is there aren't any gains. 

I think positively about having all of those things back at some point but that is about next April, it's quite a long haul. I'm not very positive about how long this will take, any of those losses, and nor am I someone who can be in denial about secondary cancers. All that pinkification (I hate it in toy shops too by the way) softens the blows of what is a complete conspiracy of silence about how aggressive breast cancer is. They throw the kitchen sink at it because it all gets very frightening if it goes elsewhere, and there is no cure for that. Nobody knows which statistical group I will fall into "Sometimes people with a poor prognosis live for a long time. Equally, breast cancer can come back in people with a seemingly excellent outlook." When this life gets lived again it gets lived with a guillotine over its head. It isn't ever actually all fixed, much as we would like it to be.